“So I have been focusing my energy consciously on showing/ reminding myself that it is different now - always with ease … never with rush. By easing myself into It - I integrate all of myself into the NEW EXPERIENCE - where I don’t have to convince myself that I am okay; rather I can see clearly for myself that I am okay; that I am good. Just really activating and integrating that New Internal World of Connection as a normal and natural part of who I am and my Life.“

“This ‘world’ of desolation; of the anxiety of disconnect - it is like somewhat of a playground for me - to explore. It is a playground of potential to create greater depths of Pure Connection. You see, in those crucial moments - I am seeking out of Life something that is Real and Pure to reach out and hold me.”

“I said it - because for whatever reason there is a part of me that intensely believes that She is disconnected from Life; from Her World; from HerSelf; from Her God. There is a part of me that intensely believes that She is utterly alone in this World - such that when the Anxiety unravels - I become that lonely, isolated and panic-ridden girl.”

“I feel that I lost certain parts of myself to more freely explore and unearth new parts of myself. It’s creating a blank canvas - experiencing who I am from a completely new point of view - without reaching into the familiarities of past versions of myself.”

“Disconnect - feels like an inside world where life’s default setting feels hard and terrifying; and all the layers of invincibility and strength and vigour and vitality around you have just vanished. You feel like a shell of yourself - and suddenly just living feels exhausting and quietly unnerving.”

“To the Heart of the Empty One that touched upon something in me that made my Spirit want to shrink and hide itself away from the World and everyone in it - When my Spirit is revived to its pure fullness; When my Heart belongs to my Soul once more - The World will belong to me and everything living and breathing and moving shalt flow forth from these Precious Hands of Mine - untouched by the Callousness of Your Hands and the Unrelenting Darkness of Your Heart.””

“Waking up everyday trying to kickstart the Love within your Heart - reaching out to Life - is sifting through and wading through the Chaos of Love in this World. It’s not particularly easy to seek Love in this Life isn’t it - it’s going to War to fight for the Love that matters to You - reaching for the Victories; feeling the HITS of the Losses take you down. It’s an endless and tireless maze - sometimes I’ve found myself pouring out Love to vessels … where there were no actual vessels to receive that Love. But it wasn’t a matter of giving or receiving Love there - I was experiencing a unique depth of Love.”

“Being adorned with The Jewel of my Scars - I feel more intimately that I took my Life into my own Hands to create the experience, the reality of what I needed. More than desire - when you feel the realness of who you are so vividly and viscerally alive in your heart - it is necessity to bring it to life - to sustain yourself in this Life.”

“I’ve asked a lot of my heart - everyday you know, just these little moments - feeling a before/ after - where I was asking of my heart to take a leap into something quietly hidden in the unknown. I took those leaps everyday - I feel that when your Heart takes leaps like that everyday - you don’t just feel vulnerable; you morph into this unique expression of vulnerability.”

“But now after first experienicng the depths of DIS-CONNECTION and then slowly being led into the waters of RE-CONNECTION - my PRESENCE in my LIFE feels REAL … feels SOLID. In some ways, it feels like Life’s soft and intimate declaration of Love for me - honoring MY PRESENCE; honoring my willingness to SHOW UP & SHOW OUT. I feel so held by Life in a Way I’ve never anticipated feeling … SOLID & REAL you know … that it has me … all of me under its wing!”

“Vulnerabilities and fragilities that I once tried to make into strong and unbreakable things - I let it be as is within me - I let it create darknesses and sorrow that painted my world and my heart in its hurt and its pain. I let my fragilities break and shatter me - I lived in the breaking; I existed as the shattered peices. And there I experienced myself more deeply; more intimately; more closely.”

“I guess it makes sense right - at some point, if you don’t feel loved, you begin to question why? What’s wrong with you? What can I do to fix this? And you come up with a plan … if you do this, this and this and accomplish all of ‘this’ … then, then you will be loved. 

I guess those moments kickstart something in you that leads you to something greater - but the story comes full circle and begins to mend itself in all the ways that it needs to be mended.”

“But I feel lately … that Life is slowly and gently clearing up the misconceptions of my heart. 

It’s like my heart has been dead-set on these misconceptions - and yet my Heart is both delighted and relieved to be proven wrong.”

“Somewhere along the line, I gathered that my Soul was focusing me into solidifying the stability I feel within myself; the completeness I experience within myself; feeling at Home within myself. I think it allowed me to understand that I wasn’t on a ‘quest’ to find my happiness or my joy again, rather I was just focused on experiencing Life in a different way; experiencing a different part of my Self-Expression.”

“I feel that this year I’ve been experiencing a completely different aspect of myself. For the previous years - I felt certainty and decisiveness and absolutes and truths an integral part of who I am and I feel that it created and solidified a sense of self that was of my Soul Nature. 

This year, the theme changed - and my heart didn’t feel decisive anymore. Instead, my heart felt much more flexible - all these latent parts of my heart were coming to life. Things felt less and less ‘good/ bad’; ‘right/ wrong’; ‘yes/ no’ and more and more of it’s just an experience. I guess in a lot of ways, I’ve been made significantly lighter by the clarity of these experiences - as holding less tightly to decisive ultimatums - means that I’ve been holding on to a lot less. 

I guess in more ways than one - this year, my heart freed itself - again and again and again by just allowing itself to exist as is in the moment.” 

““I loved how she awoke every day and got up - when her heart was filled/ weighted with such a consistent quiet heaviness - a heaviness quietly overflowing from her heart that made her body want to fall to its knees.

I loved how quietly she clung to those morning cups of coffee - that while Life felt so fragile - in those moments, She could feel Life holding her - gently; covering her for some time in the tender warmth of its shade.

I loved how one day - She could wake up and feel a little more whole than yesterday & I loved how She just welcomed it - welcomed it, when two pieces came together; when five pieces came together.”

“It takes bravery and it takes courage to even want to come back home to yourself; to even let in the possibility of truly coming back to life. But it takes humility to realize the Pure Intelligence of the Thing that is constantly nudging you and calling you to yourself again and again and again. It takes Humility; It takes Surrender; It takes Succumbing to the experiences that are layered in so many ways to cater to you in every way possible - so that you feel your Heart alive and beating inside of you again. It requires Respecting the Sanctity of Grace and how profusely it is showing up for You.”

“I can feel how tenderly and gently my Soul has been guiding my adjustment - how over these past couple of weeks - I’ve had time to just spend with myself; with Chelsea. Everything that I’ve written over this past month - has felt really special to me because I got to just sit and spend time with all the quiet stories that are constantly on play inside of my mind. I opened up to myself in a way that I never have before and in a way that I needed to.”

“I guess part of me feels that I’ve been liked or loved in my life - when I gave the parts of me that was wanted; that was asked of me. There’s a part of me that has felt constantly excluded for being; for just existing as I am. I’ve felt eyes constantly looking at me - not with care or love, but with scrutiny. I’ve felt the kind of eyes that look upon you as if you exist without a heart and you’re impervious to feeling. I’ve felt the kind of eyes that look upon you as a way to just pass the time and fill the emptiness. I’ve felt eyes that have looked upon me disgusted at the thought of me - choosing myself; choosing my heart; choosing to belong to myself; as if to say, what a way to make a fool of yourself. And how these eyes feel easily justified in their gaze as they can easily gather more wandering eyes to focus upon this spectacle.”

“And now, I feel that writing about it, has that same effect - turning my internal world, inside out - just allowing it to breathe. There’s no silver lining to what I’ve been writing about these past couple of days, there’s no despair - instead, it’s just allowing a lot of what I’ve been bottling up quietly within my inner world to let itself out. That’s it, you know. 

I’ve realized that bottling things up isn’t necessarily keeping things to myself you know - it's withheld from me too. It’s like I have all these closed bottles in my hands but none of them are open. I’m just holding it.”