These days when these feelings of anxiety surface - it feels even more off-balancing than before - it shakes me and rattles me even more. 

It feels like everything centered around my anxiety - it is a mixture of a lot of different things within myself and within my life. 

It feels quietly dismantling these days - experiencing the vast contrast between who I am and who I am not. I feel that there is a new stability that has set ItSelf within me - so when these feelings of anxiety surface - I feel way, way off - that my body cannot tolerate experiencing it at all!

But I can also appreciate that it has encouraged me to sit and write about It - something that’s been a part of me in varying degrees of intensity throughout my life. 

By now, I have grown accustomed to seeing the Value of all the Parts of Me - simply because they are a part of me; a part of who I am; and whatever the part - it is meant to be cherished. 

I feel that Life is experienced through a plethora of Internal Worlds - whatever allows me to experience the most of myself; the most of my Life in each moment. 

Moments like these - I feel 2 Internal Worlds - one - I feel at ease within myself; I can almost taste the quiet sweetness of Life. But the other - my internal world of anxiety - I can feel it just bubbling within me - the World that pries me to take caution with everything that my eyes sets its gaze upon. It feels like a cautionary tale that just holds this atmosphere of warning - that it is going to be taken away from me - my peace; my centre; my presence. 

But I feel like it is the experience of the anxiety that gives me … anxiety - I just feel that it steals me away from LIFE; it thwarts my perception of everything through my thoughts … my emotions … completely diluting the ALIVE-NESS of my experiences. I feel like it brews when I’m by myself - fully unleashing ItSelf and then quietly lingering when I’m out in the World. 

It feels messy - a mixture of any and everything at times. 

Sometimes - it’s not unreasonable or illogical anxiety. Over these past 2 years - I have felt an unbearable loneliness - that usually surfaced at night . It was emotionally and physically pain-full and intense - like my Heart was completely open and reaching it Strings out to connect with the World around me - and it felt like there was nothing out there reaching back out to intertwine with me. 

So I spent a great deal of my energy - nurturing; soothing; easing; enduring; pouring compassion over that loneliness. The Loneliness itself has lifted which in and of itself is a beautiful thing …

But now - I feel anxious about the NIGHTS sometimes - the loneliness doesn’t exist anymore but the memory of it still does - and the memory feels very real. It can easily pull me into its orbit at times and it shifts my internal mood - just weary of the entirety of the experience itself. 

So I have been focusing my energy consciously on showing/ reminding myself that it is different now - always with ease … never with rush. By easing myself into It - I integrate all of myself into the NEW EXPERIENCE - where I don’t have to convince myself that I am okay; rather I can see clearly for myself that I am okay; that I am good. Just really activating and integrating that New Internal World of Connection as a normal and natural part of who I am and my Life. 

And Life gently allows me to see the Reality of It - it soothes my doubts; allowing me to move beyond trust into seeing that It has built something REAL & SOLID for me where now I can expand my horizons - owning the New World that I created with Life - connecting more deeply with It. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan