But this is one layer of the experience. This ‘world’ of desolation; of the anxiety of disconnect - it is like somewhat of a playground for me - to explore. It is a playground of potential to create greater depths of Pure Connection. You see, in those crucial moments - I am seeking out of Life something that is Real and Pure to reach out and hold me.
In the quietness of experiencing that unbearable disconnect - I am actively on the look out for the real thing - the real connect - and only then do I feel relief. It is an experience that ultimately leads me to experiencing Life in Its Purest and Realest Forms of Connection.
See, this was something that I kept on a shelf quietly in the background - and whenever I sensed it - I quickly shifted my focus away from it. But now, now - I didn’t separate myself from it when it was so evidently a part of who I am. Being able to talk about it - in depth or in light ways; being able to write about it; being able to stay in it and allow myself to fall into it completely without trying to push it away - I feel closer to myself; I feel that I see myself more deeply; I understand myself more. It just feels plain good to not have this ‘world’ pent up inside of me.
It’s also allowed me to experience a greater depth of connection with the people around me - connection that is not forged - but rather in the midst of those heavy moments - everything else falls away. And I can just feel the heart of those connections - holding me and soothing me - in their own ways. I feel it - how the sheer intensity of the anxiety just drops - because there is this lightness that I feel in those moments of connection - that I am more than okay.
I’ve been through my fair share of connections that have broken me and hurt me and I realized that in the midst of that - I learnt to constantly analyze people’s words; observe closely their actions - intensely so. And while I felt that was necessary now I feel that the intense period of analyzing and observing is falling away. If I analyze and observe beyond what is necessary - I separate myself from the possibility of true connection. I ultimately end up analyzing and observing a person - standing on the outside - rather than being engaged with them on the inside of the connection.
And this ‘world’ of desolation is one that always has me reaching for the World of the Absolute. Beyond knowing the Absolute - it brings me to experiencing the World of the Absolute. It brings me Home.
Going Home - feels like moving from restriction and constriction into movement and expansion. It feels like moving from holding my breath to experiencing this ever unraveling of the soul and source of who I am. It feels like going from being un-held and everything in me is in a frenzy to experiencing Pure Omnipresence. It feels like going from navigating life by myself to remembering my Intimate Connection with the Absolute and the Nature of Our Co-Creating.
Sometimes, I feel myself internalizing the external anxiety of others around me. I notice it more and more these days. It’s beyond internalizing an external anxiety - rather it is people needing me/ wanting me to feel anxiety about myself; about my life in ways that I feel completely disconnected from.
Where they perceive that I should feel lack - I feel full and complete;
Where they perceive that I should panic and fear the unknown - I welcome change with grace;
Where they perceive I should lose my balance and fall - I am steadily held by the Soul and Source of my Existence.
A couple months ago - I started writing about thoughts/ feelings that I kept bottled up within me - not out of hesitation to open up - but never realizing that it was something that I could bring to life in my Self-Expression … and writing about my Anxiety feels like that.
I guess I never realized how much these anxieties … these fears were a part of me.
Part of it feels like in order to soothe it/ to rid myself of it - I ‘need’ everything to be fixed … to be perfect and oftentimes the experience originates and stays in my thoughts … in my feelings … in my body. It feels like calculated overthinking - not necessarily a frenzied overthinking.
A calculated overthinking … an organized overthinking - call it what you may - it is thoroughly and absolutely exhausting. It sucks away my life force and pretty soon I can’t remember what my Spirit feels like anymore.
Every.weary.thought is given a spotlight - to process; to think about; to feel; to analyze - to make sure that the ‘weary thought’ doesn’t make its way to reality.
But the truth is - the weary thoughts aren’t unjustified - sometimes my heart just feels so fragile; life, existing … just existing and live-ing feels so fragile sometimes. Just existing and live-ing feels like I am walking on a tight-rope constantly holding my breath. It feels like I am living in a sandcastle and at any moment - the rains are going to pour down and wash it all away.
I’ve been heavily intertwined with my thoughts and part of it is because my World has been changing - little by little … subtly and I’ve been quietly observing and processing all of it.
Being so much on the inside of myself - I know more deeply and intimately who I am; I know how deeply sensitive I am to the World around me - I know how deeply I love and care for the people around me; how fiercely I want to protect their Hearts. And I know how terrified part of me is … that my own Heart can be shattered by the very thing that it has opened itself up to!
I know more deeply and intimately who I am - in the mix of my quiet inner chaos and the frenzy of life.
I know the depths of connection that I experience moment to moment in my everyday life - such that when disconnection sneaks up on me - it is an experience that just drives me towards seeking out connection with God; with myself; with the World around me; somewhere and somehow it must happen!
I know that in the mix of it all - I feel fulfilled within myself. I feel fulfilled within my life and everyday I see more and more how my World continues to build itself around that fulfilment!
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
