These days - my anxiety seems to coat all of my experiences - and I start feeling that they are all solid reasons that I need to feel anxious for. Every choice; every decision; every interaction; every conversation; every moment - feels ridden with unease. In some ways, it feels that I am holding tightly to something that I can’t let go of; that I am terrified of losing.
I’m quietly stricken with this intense fear - that no one can quite see; that I am at risk of losing something dear and precious to me at this moment. I know that they can’t see it - but when I allow myself to talk about how I’m feeling - I can see that the fear is magnified in my heart and it feels more at ease being acknowledged out loud.
Sometimes, when I am on the precipice of something new - the energy preceding it can feel quite the opposite of it. So part of me feels like I am on the precipice of experiencing something completely new in my life and that is part of the reason - I have been experiencing this intense anxiety within these past couple of weeks.
I think these past 2 years - my internal world has just constantly been bombarded with ongoing thoughts and emotions and feelings - trying to make sense of things; trying to figure out and understand things. It has not been quiet at all. My Present moment - felt cluttered and clustered with the Chaos of what I was experiencing within myself; within my life. A drastic change from the Present moment I experienced prior - where I could exist simply in the Fullness of Presence. But honestly speaking, the anxiety that I have been feeling has always existed within me - I’ve just never given too much attention to it - often instinctively just shifting my focus elsewhere. But now - I am having the opportunity to bring it to my Light and explore it more deeply - ultimately deepening my connection to myself.
Re-Aligning with Her Absolute … Her Anxiety
This past week, I’ve felt this quiet Anxiety - almost an anxious peace-fullness … a peaceful anxiousness. It just felt like I was quietly having my breath withheld and I was desperately reaching out for new air; that I quietly got swept away in the unexpected currents and I just desperately needed an anchor to hold onto; to hold me; desperate because it felt like my life; my Heart depended on it; that’s what this week felt like for me.
I haven’t felt this anxious in a while - in the Way that it just quietly pulled me in and I couldn’t quite see outside of it; I couldn’t see myself.
It’s like a quiet Hell that no one can see but you’re feeling the heat of it; the pain of the flames and for a moment you just want someone to not just pull you out of it but to be able to see the flames that they’re pulling you out of.
It’s living and feeling the very next moment … well it feels cold like there’s nothing … nothing at all holding you. Yes … that’s it … that’s what my anxiety feels like … not being held at all … a quiet isolation from Existence … from connection … a God-less Existence!
Anxiety for me is an experience of raw and unfiltered DISCONNECT - disconnect from myself; from my World … from the people around me … from God … from my God - the Soul and Source of my Existence.
It is an ‘experience’ because my connection with myself is still there and I am still connected to my World and the people around me; and the most SOLID & STABLE & UNWAVERING of them all - my connection to the Soul and Source of my EXISTENCE - GOD. I am of God and God is of me … all these connections are real and pure and exist.
It feels like my own personal Achilles heel - the thing that just has the power to take me out; the thing that has just had the Power to Pull me all the Way into it. It’s just this feeling that in one moment I am being held in connection and the very next moment I can’t feel those Hands holding me anymore … let go of by God; by myself; by the World around me.
The disconnect feels pain-full. It’s the hurt of the DISCONNECT that always feels monumental and insurmountable - it just grips onto my Heart. The disconnect is PANIC in its purest and most innocent form - a little girl walking with her dad and she looks up and he’s just not there anymore - and only his Presence can make her feel safe again … but she looks around and he isn’t there … she doesn’t feel SAFE.
But it feels different now - it doesn’t quite feel as isolated as it used to feel and that’s a huge deal for me in my Life. The inner Isolation felt intensely quiet and anxiety ridden - something that quietly consumed me within its World.
These past two weeks - it just completely took over - my body was just constantly in this state of anxiety; varying degrees of intensity. I think it helped that Life got busy and I didn’t have to sit in the Silence of overwhelming anxiety.
At night though … I felt it coming. I knew it was coming and it felt like a quiet unbearable-ness - this intense quiet suffering in my body. But I saw something that I had not seen so clearly before and it was that - in past experiences of feeling this way - while on the inside it felt like everything in me was shaking - I was okay; I was safe and there was always the after when relief came. And after the relief - I was able to steady myself again and feel my natural sense of self returning to me.
The new observation wasn’t to soothe or comfort myself because honestly speaking - when the feeling unravels - it feels worse to try … to try to make it feel better.
I said it - because it was truth. I said it - because for whatever reason there is a part of me that intensely believes that She is disconnected from Life; from Her World; from HerSelf; from Her God. There is a part of me that intensely believes that She is utterly alone in this World - such that when the Anxiety unravels - I become that lonely, isolated and panic-ridden girl.
I become that lonely … isolated … panic-ridden girl … where I feel so tightly locked into the desolation of that World.
There is the inevitable continuation of Life - in the midst of this quiet hell - I see the goodness of Life; sense its vitality and its pure aliveness but I’m not quite there yet - this ‘world’ still has its grip on me.
So I said it because the Truth is - I am still ME; God still IS and Life is still ALIVE and THRIVING.
Something different - this time around there is a new compassion that has blossomed forth in the midst of all this … it is a quiet acceptance from myself that I am trying my absolute best and even if my absolute best does not free me from this ‘world’ that surfaces from time to time - then it is absolutely okay. I am only human too.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
