These past couple of weeks … I feel myself in the midst of re-aligning and re-connecting with lost parts of myself … with my relationship with God. And everyday - I’m growing closer and closer with the Energy of my Anxiety - meaning that I’ve just been allowing its thoughts and feelings to flow through me. No … it is more intimate than that. Instead of constantly trying to put a full stop to this part of me that has been significantly magnified within these past 2 years of my life - I’m allowing it to be a solid part of my experience. Not something that just quietly lurks in the background.
And in more ways than one - that’s what these past 2 years have felt like - nothing has really been able to stay quietly in the background - all and everything that I am has been brought to the forefront to be thoroughly explored.
I feel that I lost certain parts of myself to more freely explore and unearth new parts of myself. It’s creating a blank canvas - experiencing who I am from a completely new point of view - without reaching into the familiarities of past versions of myself.
So everything that I’ve shared within this series of blog posts is what comes up to the surface on a day to day basis in my heart surrounding these themes.
The Narrative of Life feels a lot different now - I feel that I am live-ing as I am; quietly in my Truth and my Heart by extension pours ItSelf into the Vessel of Life. But NOW I feel - gently; softly; gradually; gracefully; spontaneously Life’s Reciprocity - I feel it pouring forth from Its Vessel into ME!
Trapped
Constricted
Feeling Binded to and Bound to
A World that felt Restricted within ItSelf
Desperate to taste the Timelessness of Creation
Dying to be Drenched in the Oceans of the Eternal Nature of Existence
But only able to taste breadcrumbs of timelessness
And mere drops of the Oceans falling upon Her Tongue
For what is the point of Knowing It … when it cannot be experienced
It is there but unattainable
Feeling Binded to and Bounded to
Everything but Her Presence
Everything but the Singularity of Her Presence
Quietly trying to Resurrect that Presence
To be Binded and Bounded once more to that which
Not gives or takes away Freedom
But where the Soul’s Nature is Free - experiencing ItSelf
Without the Constant Bombardments of the Noise.
Re-aligning with myself ….
Today feels a little different … a lot different … a reset … a reset within myself … my Life resetting itself.
I feel that I am re-aligning with myself. It caught me a bit off guard … a lot, actually. I’ve been focused on life; live-ing; connecting - deepening familiar relationships and opening my heart to exploring new connections. I’ve been feeling a little/ lots overwhelmed with hints of excitement - feeling more and more inspired to make more and more of my Life feel like Home to myself and the people around me.
I’ve been feeling a little/ lots anxious … feeling that I am on the precipice of new things blossoming in my work - which ‘til now - I feel that it has mostly just been me experiencing the deep fulfillment that creating has brought to me.
It’s given me new freedoms to discover and unravel and become and unbecome and connect and disconnect. Creating through my art - my writing; my paintings & experiencing through living - has shown me that my Soul does not hold me to any set standards or definitions of who I am or who I should be - it has never desired for me to cling to any one picture of myself. Rather I feel how seen I am by my Soul; by my Creator - every single part of me; no part of me is an obstacle to overcome - but every part of me connects me to something True; something Real; something ALIVE.
But, everyday, there is a quiet but intense part of me, that is holding my breath - waiting for my ART to find its way HOME to people that see themselves in my paintings; that connect with the heart of my work and what it is that I create on a day to day basis.
Her Conversation with Her Absolute.
Part of me is waiting for - just this moment to reach out and feel YOU holding all of me.
I feel like I’ve been doing everything and more and I can’t find the consistent steadiness that I am looking for within myself. I feel that I just can’t shake the uneasiness; the nervousness; the anxiety that I am constantly feeling in various degrees of intensity.
I consciously focus and engage my Energy elsewhere - but I feel the unease waiting for me to return to It.
In some ways, I’ve never felt more scared of my own darkness - terrified to return to it; to be pulled into it; to feel the pain of that loneliness; the hurt and hollowness of disconnect; it feels like a living nightmare - that I’m constantly trying to escape from; to free myself from its constraints. I tell myself that the intensity of it - all the ways it makes me feel trapped isn’t real - but it still feels like I’m living inside of it.
I can slap all the labels and definitions onto my PAIN - but I know that it is the disconnect; the loneliness; my Heart being away from LOVE - that weakens my being on every level which is why perhaps - today, I long for YOU to reach out and embrace me; take all of me; into the Entirety of Your Being.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
