I woke up feeling sad …. Eyes opened - and I could feel it. The sadness with something to say. It carried a familiarity within it - something I started to feel around 2 years ago. I felt like this morning I was just transported back to that period of time in my life - and I was just dropped into the emotional atmosphere of what life felt like to me then. And it made me realize the heaviness and hardness of what I felt then - how extreme it all was and how quietly I navigated myself through it. It’s one of those times in life where you just label it as nothing lasts forever and this will be over at some point - and there is a quiet strength - what feels like a literal bundle of energy assigned to carry you through that period.
I felt disconnected from the core of myself and disconnected from Life; from the way I used to feel about Life - suddenly it all felt just grey … monotone … colorless … lifeless … cold.
I think that everyday since then I’ve been trying to resurrect that connection - feeling that there was a quiet patience within me that is allowing a gradual day to day grace of nursing that connection back to life.
I can feel the energy of that disconnection with such clarity - having spent so much time experiencing it in all its exhausting depths. On the surface - it’s been a plethora of feelings every day. I’ve felt this constant anxiety - that I felt clinged and clutched on too - no matter the anxious thought and whatever its source - some part of me felt it to be true - and I felt it emotionally - the worry; the doubt; the fears; heart racing. I’ve felt this heavy weight of depression - just always there - trying to lift myself out of it - but from the inside I could feel that it was not going anywhere; it was not moving; it was convinced of its own reasoning to stay. It’s scary to feel myself so attached to the disconnect.
But I knew underneath the surface label of anxiety and depression - there were truths that my soul wanted me too … needed me to unravel within myself … to acknowledge within myself.
I feel so attached to the disconnect - because there was a part of me … a huge part of me that has felt disconnected throughout my entire life. It’s one thing to be connected to God … to be connected to myself … to know who I am … to have built and solidified that foundation within myself. But my Heart was not immune to feeling the hurt of being disconnected from Life.
I’ve done a great deal of understanding throughout my life - understanding people - their hurt; their pain; their hearts; seeing and feeling it all in their eyes; and naturally pouring who I am into that - my compassion; my clarity; my softness; my vulnerability; my strength. But I’ve barely been understood in my life - not that effortless understanding that I’ve poured into others; not an efforted attempt at understanding; and even in asking to be understood - I felt invisible and completely unheard and once again being asked to understand the other.
I’ve done a great deal of seeing people throughout my life - seeing their light; seeing their darkness and shadows - celebrating their light; seeing how their own darkness and shadows carried such great potential to be turned into powerful parts of themselves. But I’ve barely been seen; barely been given a chance to be heard - within their busy worlds and their busy lives - but when their hearts pour out to me - time stops for me and there is full presence offered into that moment from. Because it’s a moment for life to be truly lived and experienced - pure connection - from one heart to another. But then I’ve felt that I’ve been begging for breadcrumbs and barely being offered that - needing to be seen without feeling like time is going to run out before I turn invisible again. I need to be heard - but I’ve spoken so many times and I’ve seen it fall on deaf ears again and again again.
That is what most of my life has felt like - a hurt that I’ve harbored quietly within myself - not even allowing myself to fully acknowledge it. I’ve learnt early on to accept things as they are - if I am misunderstood - if I am unseen and unheard - I can only chase after it for so long. But I had the control and power to shift it into - choosing to allow myself to pour that understanding into others; choosing to see others; choosing to hear others - to foster and build connection in ways that mattered to me. Now I feel that my Soul is telling me that that’s enough of that now - the scales have to be balanced.
The Way that I see it - it’s that I’ve experienced disconnect in my Life but I chose to create connection. But now I feel that I’m just a human being that needs those connections where being understood … being heard … being seen are innate and natural parts of my life.
I’ve realized that you don’t feel the hardness and harshness of your experiences till your heart lets you in on all the pain and hurt that you’ve carried. My anxiety and depression were leading me to see parts of myself - that I myself haven’t quite understood or rather parts of myself that I didn’t even know needed understanding … parts of myself that I didn’t even know that they wanted to be seen … parts of myself that I didn’t think I needed to slow down enough and give space and time to listen too.
My internal world has felt so cluttered and chaotic for sometime now - trying to declutter and bring some sense of order and peace to itself. Now I feel that it’s all just coming back to me … just simply me.
Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
I painted this last week - on a day when I woke up feeling that emotional atmosphere of disconnect. It was a new day - a day that I’d never lived prior because part of me felt quietly inspired to reach out and live a new day. I wasn’t trying to lift myself out of this emotional atmosphere but I didn’t feel like soothing myself in ways that I did prior. Living in this emotional atmosphere carries such a heaviness to it - that you become acquainted with exhaustion on a day to day basis. But I realized that in the midst of the exhaustion - I naturally did things that fulfilled or satisfied me on some level - I gravitated towards the people that made me feel alive; that made me feel like myself; that made me feel like I wasn’t on the outside of life looking in; I just started doing things in ways where Life would feel more and more like I was at Home within it.
Anyways on this day - I wanted to paint - not because I felt like I needed to create something out of what I was feeling; not because I felt like it would make me ‘feel better’; and not because it would make me feel like I accomplished something that day. I sat and painted - immersed inside the World of that emotional atmosphere of disconnect - because I NEEDED to express it for myself.
See, I can listen to a song that I feel understands the nature of what I’m feeling or I can have a conversation with someone about what I’m feeling and I’m pretty sure those were parts of my day - but there was also a part of me that desperately needed to express myself; to express that inner world that quielty increased its capacity for me to see and feel and hear it over these past 2 years. I needed to see myself. I needed to see what I was feeling. I couldn’t take the silence of it anymore.
My internal world has felt so clutteed and chaotic for sometime now - trying to declutter and bring some sense of order and peace to itself. Now I feel that it’s all just coming back to me … just simply me.
Disconnect - feels like an inside world where life’s defaut setting feels hard and terrifying; and all the layers of invincibility and strength and vigor and vitality around you have just vanished. You feel like a shell of yourself - and suddenly just living feels exhausting and quietly unnerving.
