I’m changing. Everything’s changing. It’s all changing … that’s what Life feels like these days. 

And that means how I create is also changing. I feel that whatever I feel most inclined to write about or paint - is always a direct reflection of what my heart has been ruminating on - and that is always changing. 

There was a time - when writing felt like an absolute necessity to me - the depth and intensity of what I was feeling - I needed to put it into words. There was a part of my internal world that was too bottled up and I needed to let it all out - to free that constricted part of myself. And that sentiment trickled into my paintings - when there were no words - but instead, painting felt like I was holding space for a part of myself that was near invisible to me. 

When it’s visceral and palpable in some or all layers of my being - I can feel it ready to be expressed in my words. But there are times - when it’s faint; almost like a quiet echo - that wants to be brought into a clearer focus - and that’s when it’s time to paint. 

And there was a time when the Energy of Inspiration held captive my entire being - and I awoke every day bound to it. The kind of energy where I close my eyes - listening to music - becoming fully alive and swept away in the essence of my visions. I captured the essence of these visions in books of poetry. I’m not one to look back on past memories in photographs - rather I feel that my writing fully encapsulates the fullness of who I was in those moments and my experiences. 

Anyways - in those moments - Inspiration was my most intimate companion. It taught me so much and gave me so much! It taught me the sovereign nature of my being - how I was creating and experiencing Life from the pure and raw nature of my Soul. It trained and activated the power of my focus - I lived those moments of Inspiration - never questioning it; never taming it; never tainting it - because it was already full in what it was. It taught me all the Ways that I see mySelf and the World around me and how it existed inside my Heart. 

But the Source of all of It - of all of my Inspiration - is God. Yes, it was God that I was surrendered to. It was God that held captive my entire being. It was God that I awoke every day bound too. It was God that was my most intimate companion. It was God that walked with me every day - instilling within me - the awareness of my sovereignty; the innate power of my will and focus. It was God teaching me … no … showing me all the Unique and Intimate Ways of who I am. 

God was and is still all those things to me. Life moves forward - it always does … doesn’t it. But I’d never forget those precious moments of my Life - to so intimately and viscerally experience the Heart of who I am - through the Heart of my God. 

And then, there’s Now - where I feel like I have a lot less bottled up inside of me and I don’t feel that daily urgency to unravel the contents of that bottle. And I don’t feel that divine urgency to get absorbed into those sacred visions. So I guess that’s it for me guys … just kidding … creating and its source are infinite. 

Creating has always felt like I was solving something inside of me; continuously unraveling some unexpected stream of clarity - of myself; the World; of Life; just a beautiful desperation to understand and to keep understanding more and more of all of it. 

As I create - I am becoming closer and more intimate with the narratives of my Story - always on the verge of something new; unraveling something new of myself; something new of Life. 

But I think more than anything else … creating has stabilized me. Creating has gently and consistently stabilized every single layer of my being. It has stilled a part of me; a quiet but potent part of me - that is always keen on running away. 

Every time that I wrote something that cleared up a skewed perception that I was holding in my Heart; every time that my inner world felt bleak and lifeless to me - and painting listened in a Way that I couldn’t hear myself in those moments - it stilled and stabilized the part of me - that was just buzzing to run. 

And then there were those moments - where I ran and writing caught me in Its Arms - and it taught me that it was more than A Sanctuary to Escape too. It patiently taught me that there wasn’t anything that I needed to run from. It never forced me to recognize the Safety within my world or the Stability within myself - instead it created adventures for me to unravel it within myself. So that when I recognized - I could acknowledge that I led myself through it all - and inherit it as my own narrative. 

My own narrative - that I once lived with a part of me that was on the run … ‘til Life took me under its Gracious Wing - and slowed me … stabilized me. 

And now my Creative World doesn’t feel like something I need to Escape too or a Sanctuary from the Outside World. It’s not the only World anymore that holds a True Reflection of Who I am. I see and feel myself alive and breathing and living in the World around me. I see and feel myself received in the World around me. 

So now when I’m creating it doesn’t feel like I’m running away from something to regain some sense of Self. But it also doesn’t feel like I’m running towards something that I need to catch a hold of now. 

It feels like my creativity is coming from a much more stabilized and solid sense of who I am. My voice feels much more empowered now - garnered from a greater sense of familiarity with who I am. And when I paint now - it feels less like I’m trying to maintain the atmosphere of the heart of what I’m painting and more like it’s just coming from the nature of who I am - something more grounding; less transient. 

In some ways - it feels like it’s moving on from creating from this steady stream of unraveling - (steady in retrospect; but chaotic and messy in the moment) - to creating from the now strengthened core of who I am. 

And in some ways - it feels like I am now holding the reins on my creativity whereas before - my creativity was leading me - showing me the ropes so to speak. It’s an interesting and fully new place to be - and well I look forward to the experience of it all. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan