Lately, I feel 90% happy/ 10% sad - there’s just this quiet lingering sadness. I can’t help but feel that it’s connected to the part of me that I haven’t really acknowledged to myself ‘till now.

And that is the part me that worries. I never realized that I do have a tendency to worry - a quiet tendency to worry about everything and anything at times. 

I see it a lot more clearly now that I’ve acknowledged it. The worry gently seeps into my mind - and I just zone out and into the energy of the worry. And I’m suddenly swept up into whatever its narrative is. I feel that’s why there is always that lingering sadness - inside my heart. 

I worry about the things that matter to me - I worry if it’s going to get better; I worry if it’s really all ok; I worry if it will all actually work out.

I worry if now is enough for me - I worry if the next moment will be gentle or harsh on me - I worry that I am searching for a goodness that I cannot find - I worry that I am reaching out for a gentle Hand to hold and there would be nothing reaching back out to me.

I worry if Life would be good to us or not - I worry about the steadiness of the goodness that is already there.

I worry about everyone - how desperately I need them to be ok; I worry about myself - that my vision be always clear and not clouded by the heaviness of doubt and unease. 

I worry about my sadness - the void that I feel in my heart - and how I’d do any and everything to fill that void … but it never seems to go away. 

I worry that I don’t live enough of the wholeness of who I am - that I don’t honor the nature of my existence and everything that it feeds my being daily. I worry that I don’t feel it enough; that I don’t allow enough of it to come alive in the world around me. 

Worry for me these days - just feels like I’m at the Pinnacle of either Grace or Catastrophe. Worry for me - feels like I am at the Precipice of Grand and Beautiful Things - but I am holding my breath - feeling like it is too delicate a thing to not be absolutely destroyed in a single breath. 

And I wonder has Worry never met the God that has touched upon all layers and threads of my being … of me. 

Worry for me these days - feels like everything is changing daily - and it’s asking of me moment to moment - to feel into something new - to be something new - to wear a new skin … and a new Heart. And the Change - each and every subtle change - feels good and beautiful. 

But the Nature of my Worry - stems from my Perfection - from having my full consciousness touching upon all the minute details. 

And now, Change is the New Nature of my Consciousness. I am no longer immersed and submerged in all of the minute details. Rather I am experiencing not change - but a New ness of Life; a New ness of Self.

And the Perfectionist in me - has been looking keenly at the Minute Details in the Grand-ness of it all. My Hands have been directly in the Clay of It All - mixing and moulding and sculpting … endlessly. And now - in some ways it feels like my Work is done. 

And I feel my Hands being Held Still; Resting - and Worry, worry is ready to go; move; run; leave. There is this Silent Voice showing me that I need to continue allowing myself to be held in that Stillness; to allow myself to be Held in Place. 

And I wonder has Worry never met the God that has touched upon all layers and threads of my being … of me. 

Worry feels like - Life is good; I am good; All is Well … but inside my mind there are these quiet chaotic scenarios always playing out to some degree. And there is always some part of me that gets lost in it - or is very attentive towards it; sort of anticipating the chaos so that I’ll be ready for it. 

But worry is more than that - worry is my mind getting so confused and confuffled in these chaotic scenarios and I am quietly and internally reacting to it. Sometimes to the point where I bring it to life in my reality - and then life shows me that it isn’t true. The internal chaos isn’t real … the internal chaos isn’t true. 

And I wonder has Worry never met the God that has touched upon all layers and threads of my being … of me. 

And yet, Yesterday, I felt that Silent Voice - telling me - ‘don’t worry … be happy’. And yes, I know, how incredibly cliche. But you know, there are those moments, when you hear or feel something and it just clicks in a way that it never has before. 

Don’t worry … be happy. Don’t worry Chelsea … just be happy. 

And it got me thinking that throughout my Life - believing in the non-tangible has always come more naturally to me than giving my heart’s ease towards the tangible. 

And I just feel God asking me to believe in the Goodness around me as effortlessly and naturally as I know Him. 

I just feel God asking me to allow the Tangible to bring ease and happiness into my heart and to just allow myself to release the worry and simply … be happy. 

I’ve known God and I’ve clung to God when the Chaos was Tangible. I guess in more ways than one - I’ve Known God as Peace and I’ve Known Life as Chaos. When the Chaos was consistent and unchanging - I never asked it to be different - I just laid all of my self bare to my Source. 

But Now, The Chaos that I’ve Known to be Synonymous with Life - is no longer. And I can’t help but feel that God has been very delicately bringing that Clarity to my awareness - so that I may see it and know it as clearly as He does. 

It’s interesting you know … my entire journey … experiencing my alignment with God … unraveling and embodying my alignment with my Absolute Self and now experiencing my alignment with Life. 

It’s interesting that when it comes down to my unique alignment with Life - God says it is quite simple - Don’t worry … Be Happy. 

He’s simplified it for me. After immersing myself into exploring and figuring out the experience I am wanting to have - in my relationships; in my work; in my life; within my self; with God - he says to me Now, “Don’t Worry … Be Happy Chelsea”.

He’s simplified it for me - and in His Simplifications - It is a Monumental Shift and Upgrade within my Internal World. This Happiness feels like something is being returned to me - there is that familiarity within it that feels like it’s been Here before - it’s been a part of me before. 

A real - tangible in my internal world - staple of who I am - kind of Happiness. 

My Happiness - A Happiness that stands its own ground within me; supporting itself; holding itself up; inside of me.

A True Happiness; A Real Happiness; A Natural Happiness. 

Sadness

Sadness was Beckoning the Return of Her Happiness

Sadness was Nudging Her Internal Happiness to Reawaken.

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan