She was full of; dripping in these beautiful; color-full; vibrant; deep colors of her soul; of her heart; Even in the dull shades - there was something that wanted to be seen there;
And He, He was her blank canvas - that She could paint herself onto - and painting herself onto him - it wasn’t just the freedom for her to experience herself ….
It was giving life to the real-ness of her in every way possible.
Sometimes, the present - it’s all about reaching for some semblence of comfort. Some days - you wake up congested … with a little sore throat … the hot weather feels unbearable and your period is due in a couple days. And on those days you just want comfort.
Some days you’re just reaching for ease and comfort in the present - as you feel the emotions quietly spiraling but this time wanting them to spiral into the arms of comfort and ease.
Sometimes … the narrative of life changes … quietly and subtly. It’s like the quiet ways you navigated through life fade away because the storyline’s changing.
Sometimes, the present feels like a unique chaos of experiences - but if I pause for a moment and look a little closer - it isn’t that chaotic. It’s the whirlwind of new-ness and having to keep up with it - keeping up with myself; the constant new-ness of who I am. It’s listening to the daily callings of my soul.
Yesterday, I woke up with a pit of ‘sadness’ in my chest - that I couldn’t really pinpoint the source of; but it was evident that it wanted to make itself known. And by the end of the day … it made itself known … very known … just uncontrollable tears in the shower. It was one of those moments that reminded me - that when energies surface they are not what they appear to be at first glance … but helping define it in some way helps me to pay attention to it.
I felt that I was waking up within myself again … that I was being re-connected to my Heart … that I was experiencing that re-connection to my Heart. Often times, I describe the earlier part of my journey as waking up to and exploring the uniqueness of my divine nature and then it shifted into deep diving into and exploring more of my human nature. When I shifted into exploring my human nature - I just felt my connection to my Heart disconnected. I was no longer present within myself the Way that I once was.
But yesterday, I was re-connected. And I cried … I cried because I missed this part of me - never knowing if it would come back to me … if I would return to it. I cried because while I felt that within my present I have been deeply exploring and unearthing new understandings of my own heart - somehow it felt devoid of the Love that I once knew within myself. My experience lacked this Love that once lived effortlessly within me.
I feel that the re-connection was inevitable - a moment of Grace where Love would return to me and I would come back to it. But I also know that I worked my way back to this re-connecion. I know that I reached out to Life everyday in all the ways that I could - and it reached back to me in simple and consistent ways; effortlessly rich experiences in Love - to spark this re-connection in me.
In this day by day re-connection - it felt like a constant effort to kickstart it each day; to bring it into my experience; into my Heart everyday. Something that I was so accustomed to being a solid part of me - that I never questioned its existence as something separate from me - now I was waking up everyday having to bring it to life again and again and again and again.
I felt it yesterday - the moment of the re-connection - how my body felt starved of it; like it had not tasted the softness; the ease and gentle-ness of my love. The chaos of what my Heart; of what I have been experiencing - it felt like my body has been in this harsh, hard and rough atmosphere and in the moment of the re-connection - I could feel the solace my body was finding in tasting my Love again.
Waking up everyday trying to kickstart the Love within your Heart - reaching out to Life - is sifting through and wading through the Chaos of Love in this World. It’s not particularly easy to seek Love in this Life isn’t it - it’s going to War to fight for the Love that matters to You - reaching for the Victories; feeling the HITS of the Losses take you down. It’s an endless and tireless maze - sometimes I’ve found myself pouring out Love to vessels … where there were no actual vessels to receive that Love. But it wasn’t a matter of giving or receiving Love there - I was experiencing a unique depth of Love.
I saw all the Ways a Heart was denying ItSelf - I saw it clearly and deeply to its core - and I fed Love to that Heart - where it was about me, it was about that person and a Heart beyond US; a Love beyond US. In that microcosm - was the depths of pain and loneliness; hurt and betrayal - that Love denied creates. I never denied it within my heart - whatever it was; I quielty accepted it; feeling it when I could; bringing it to life in my work when I could; giving a Voice that longed to be heard.
That’s where my body ached from the harshness of a Heart’s constant denial of Love. I would tell you that moments and experiences like that have strengthened the Love that I am; has brought it to Life in ways that I have never imagined and it has - but it taught me that I could never look into someone’s eyes starving of Love and deny it of my offering. It’s more than an act of Love - it’s that I can SEE and FEEL it to its core - it’s raw truth; it’s story unfolded in front of me - I can read it so clearly - that just seeing those Eyes - I bring its story to Life within my - allowing it to be heard - unfiltered and uncensored.
But it’s an endless and tireless maze right? I’ve felt the HITS of the Losses - and became a sore and defeated Loser. I’ve felt entirely consumed with intense hatred … a hellish rage - where all that my Eyes could see and my Heart could feel - was Love going up in flames; was Love being torn apart to pieces and burned to its demise. My Love felt disrespected and trampled upon; dishonored and entirely unseen.
But when a War is lost … and the fight takes you down … there are comrades - that let you feel the hits of it all consume you but they know that they’d never let you stay there; they know that’s not where it all ends; somehow they softly stand by your stand. Somehow Life puts them by your side in those crucial moments.
Waking up everyday trying to kickstart the Love within your Heart - reaching out to Life - is sifting through and wading through the Chaos of Love in this World.
I’ve sought Love in places - that just felt like it was consistent in its fleeting nature; that while I could sense its lack of depth; its lack of want to go deeper - I stayed because that’s where I was in the maze and I tried … I tired by just constanly choosing to be all parts of myself. And I saw the conditional faces of Love - that only certain parts of myself were allowed to be Love. I wasn’t allowed to be loved in my fullness … in my incomplete-ness … in my human-ness.
I sifted and waded through the Chaos of Love in my own little maze - I kept walking through it - and I found myself waking up to a Life where a New Love quietly made its way into my heart.
What kind of Love was this?
I have felt Love that brought me back to my humanity - when I felt that I had lost my connection to Life; to people; to the World around me.
I have felt Love that welcomed my growth … my expansion … my newness; Love that welcomed my passion to Create From the Wells of the Unknown and bring to Life new things.
I have felt Love that felt like a Welcome Home to mySelf; that allowed me to rest my head on its shoulders without asking anything of it.
I have felt Love that brought Tenderness to a shattered Heart that didn’t even know how broken it was.
I have felt Love so sweet that it quietly nurtured me into understanding the significance of accepting my presence and existence in this World of Mine.
I have felt Love so silly and unserious that it brought me out of the heaviness and intense seriousness that I would get lost in sometimes.
These are all the ways that Love has flowed to and through me in my Life - from the people in my Life - whether they are aware of it or not. Their Love has strengthened me; fuelled me; sustained me; revived me. Their Love strenghthens my Love for Life; my Love for Living; the Vibrancy I feel within my Heart for being Alive.
They give their Love to me and they have no idea the beauty … the strength … the power … the unique essence of their love flowing out of their hearts and through their eyes and into this World. Human Beings that are an intricate part of the saving grace of the World and they don’t even know it. But they should and they need too because these are the things that matter and matter now!
This re-connection that I experienced yesterday - has felt like a quiet and intimate remembrance of how centering the Love that I am is … how in some ways it is the essence from which everything flows forth from me. Walking through that maze hasn’t been easy - but I feel this re-connection pouring into the harshness; the roughness; the intensity; the hardness of the whole experience … genlty easing myself back into that full remembrance.
I guess the dis-connect; the experience of the maze has felt somewhat of letting go of what I know; of letting go of that Anchor of Love and asking the World to show me; to teach me; to allow me to experience and explore greater depths of Love.
Created, Experienced and Written by - Chelsea Avasa Khan
