Sometimes the Nights are where the Peace descends after the Chaos of the Day quiets

And

Sometimes the Nights are where the Inner Chaos surfaces

Again & Again & Again

Night after Night after Night

As though

There are parts of myself tightly knotted up 

And the Night Shift of Life is for working on untangling and loosening those knots.

Pretty soon - I begin to dread the Nights especially after the Days have gotten significantly better. It’s not easy to pivot from a Steady High to such Lows. 

But I guess the Nights are for fine tuning and working out the knots - and maybe part of the reason the Days have gotten better is because of these Night Shifts. 

But if I’m being honest … the Nights have gotten a lot better. 

The Nights where the Inner Chaos was MAGNIFIED in my being … those DARK NIGHTS of my SOUL … it was what it was, you know.

There was no chance of ‘self-care’ or ‘winding down routines’ alleviating what I was experiencing … it was what it was, you know.

During those nights, I felt it in every layer of my being - Spiritually; in my Soul; in my Heart; in my Mind; in my Body.

I felt ALL of this in my Body - so you can see why I came to dread the Nights - I couldn’t escape myself; I couldn’t escape my Body.

But strangely enough - while it felt like I was feeling everything all at once - in some Ways it feels like it unfolded sequentially …

A Process … a rather Intimate Process divinely orchestrated … divinely designed …

I guess it’s like while my Days were feeling more stable; more whole; more complete …

The Nights felt like I was quietly but intensely trying to figure out a lot of things … about my life.

While this sounds - anxiety-ridden and overwhelming … which it absolutely is …

But they are all things that matter to me - and I needed to come to a Place of Inner Peace; or more like a Greater & Steeper Sense of Stability that stemmed from the Core of Who I am, about these ‘things’. These ‘things’ that were parts of myself that I needed to pay lots more attention to. 

I’ve written a lot about these parts of myself - but I think my Soul shone a particularly and unavoidable bright light on my loneliness. It felt like loneliness insidiously became a strong and layered part of who I am. And part of these Dark Nights - I was draining every layer of myself of that loneliness that silently built itself up within me throughout my life. 

See, someone told me about 2 years ago - that they could see my loneliness - that while I ‘participated’ - I was still on the outskirts of connection. 

I think while Loneliness is unavoidable and necessary at times - it is not natural to live life in such a manner. I viscerally experienced how unnatural it is when I felt it leaving every Layer of my Being. 

I felt how painfull my loneliness was; how much it pained my heart. 

I felt how desperately I was in need of connection; how my heart was yearning for it; how my heart was paining for it. 

Sometimes, it felt like my loneliness and connection were right next to each other but I couldn’t quite grasp it … even though it was right in front of me.

I felt how my loneliness craved for connection to just wrap its warmth around me; to just embrace me. 

But now, now I feel that I’ve Conquered the Nights.

I feel more in control of myself; more in control of my Life and actually less of a need; less of an urge to control myself; to control my Life. 

The Nights belong to me, Again

Where I can be more and more of myself

I guess it feels like I’m giving more Life and more Live-ing to myself. 

Experienced by - Chelsea Avasa Khan